Freud would have a field day with me

The mind is a funny thing. Just after waking up, when you’re not fully aware of anything, you can think things that really don’t make any sense, but seem logical at the time.

A little backstory before I dive into this; I spent several hours yesterday home alone. As I tend to do, I took the opportunity to stuff. I do it when there’s no one else around so that they don’t get awkwarded-out. Anyway, I did this until my parents and brother got home, shortly before I went to bed.

So, I woke up this morning, and in the fuzzy warm haze I had a vague recollection of actually having a chest. Instinctively I checked; no such luck. It’s kind of silly, looking back at it, but at the time, I really really felt like I should have had something there. Makes me sad, sometimes, but eh, that’s how it goes.

On a more positive note, I finally have an explanation for something I’ve done for years! Observe the following diagram, showing stances and the feminine ideal, done very quickly by myself:



“I apologize for the crudity of this model; I didn’t have time to build it to scale or to paint it.”

So, basically, I stand with my right foot where my left foot should be, and vice versa. Most people have trouble doing it for balance purposes, and even I have trouble sometimes. I didn’t start doing this consciously; it just showed up a few years ago, and I haven’t stopped since. Drives Mom crazy.

Yesterday, I suddenly realized that I do this because it makes my hips look larger in comparison to my legs! It takes me a little bit closer to an hourglass figure. When I realized this, I laughed with joy—it’s always fun to understand myself that much more.

There’s been an increase in traffic here lately, if the poll to the right is to be believed—welcome to any new readers! I hope you enjoy your stay.

If you want it done right...

Do it yourself!

So, I did that this morning. I took an old pair of shorts that I had lying around, and grabbed a pair of scissors, and started upon them. About half an hour later, I held a serviceable skirt and a bunch of strips of clothing.

It's not wonderful, I admit--I was kind of learning as I went, so there are some frayed edges, and the places where I had to chop off pockets are a little awkward, but overall I like what I've done. It comes to mid-thigh at its shortest point. I won't be able to wear it out and about by any means, but it'll be fun to wear when no one else is around.

In unrelated news, I don't think I'll be talking much about the support group. It's a private event for a reason. I'll just leave it at: I will definitely be going back.

Support is Important

I'll be attending an LGBT support group starting tomorrow.

I found them via the Internet, while I was exploring the website for the Day of Silence. I didn't have time to attend while school was in, but now that it's the summer, I think I'll give them a go. Their website isn't very specific on what they do there, but I figure there's no harm in trying. No commitments are necessary, so if it doesn't work, I just won't go back.

In related news, I'm looking for a psychiatrist/psychologist to talk to about my transsexuality; I'll be going to the doctor on Thursday to see if they have any recommendations. In some ways, this is more to calm mom down than anything, but it would be nice to have an expert on the subject guide me to the next step, whatever that may be. Perhaps voice therapy--my voice is too low for its own good. Dead giveaway. Maybe even explore the options for hormone replacement therapy--oh, how I'd love that!

We'll see how it goes. I am optimistic on both counts.

What's in an Outfit? Part Two

I wasn't planning on having a part two, but hey, it happens.

So, I wore entirely girl clothes to an art class today (I take it out of school), and there was definitely a difference to how I looked at people. Specifically, I found myself checking out the guys, for lack of an easier way to put it.

I kind of knew going into the whole gender exploration thing that this was possible, and I did it to a limited extent while I was still in guy clothes, but it seems that female clothes amplify the effect.

A generally accepted rule for transsexuals is the rule of thirds (no relation to the photography term): A third will end up heterosexual, a third will end up bisexual, and a third will end up gay/lesbian.

I can't wait to see how I develop.

The Search

Remember the friend from Star Wars Galaxies that I mentioned in my first blog post?

Yesterday was remarkable. I woke up, and somehow I knew that I needed to find them again. I hesitate to call it an epiphany, but I also know that there was no way that I could do anything else. I don't really even know how to describe it--I just knew that it was something that I was going to do, no question. So, I got up, reinstalled SWG, and started the search.

I haven't had any luck yet, but I have hope. Several months ago, Kate and I had installed SWG for kicks. I had added my old friend to my buddy list, not expecting so much as a blip from them. Next thing I know, they log in. At that time, I wasn't anywhere near being able to deal with that, so I didn't go back to the game.

Now, though, I'm determined to find them. I don't even know how it is going to go, or what I'm going to say, or how they will react to me. I just know that it is something that I need to do.

The search begins.

What's in an Outfit?

I have now accumulated enough female clothing that I can choose to dress as a guy or a girl.

It’s funny how much clothing does for our image. Right now, I’m dressed in entirely male clothing: cargo shorts, white t-shirt, plaid overshirt (unbuttoned), and boxers. It’s completely different from wearing female clothes. I’m practically swimming in these things, and it’s all very loose. Even with my long hair, I look unmistakably masculine in this. If I were out in public, I don’t doubt that I would be called “sir.”

When I’m wearing different clothes, however, I (thrillingly!) get called ma’am, at least until they get a good look at me and notice the distinct lack of chest. Yesterday, I wore boyshorts, a spaghetti-strap tanktop, a buttoned overshirt, and jean shorts, all from the juniors’ section, and the way I wore them was completely different. I sat up straighter, for one, and I walked more delicately. It was entirely subconscious, but it was noticeable.

I can’t get over how right it feels to wear female clothes. They look so much nicer, and overwhelmingly felt right. By contrast, I don’t like this outfit today so much anymore. Ironically, the way it affects my body image seems inverse: When I was in female clothes, I almost wanted to take them off, because it made me feel right and happy about my body. Now that I’m in male clothes, I don’t want to take them off, because I know what’s underneath.

Oh, one little tidbit. The other day, I walked past a mirror, and did a double take. For a long moment, I looked entirely feminine, and just stared.

Good times.

End of the Year

It is now the end of the school year. Exams are over. I can breathe again.

I am going to cheat badly on my healthy eating: there will be celebratory cheesecake. With chocolate and raspberries and strawberrries, if I can find them.

Delicious.